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| After several months of trying, I have managed for the first time to get Xanga to work (half-work, I still have to refresh every page 3 or 4 times to get anything but an error message). I no longer feel any desire to talk about anything that has happened recently. I suppose there's a point where you become too beaten upon by death to have anything left to say about it. So, my fallback is of course a couple of surveys. I'm sick of everyone else's sympathy anyway. ---- When you first met, did you think it would end up the way it is?
No, especially as I considered myself a tentative "straight" when I first met him.
Is he what you 'normally go for'?:
Nope, he treats me like I'm human.
Do/did your friends approve of him?:
Yeah
Does he give you butterflies each time he looks into your eyes?:
Sometimes.
How long have you been together?:
About 2 months officially.
How long do you plan on being together?:
As long as he wants me around.
Are you friends with his mates?:
Yeah
if it came to it, would he rescue you at 3am if needed?:
Definitely
How many times a day does he tell you he loves you?:
At least once every time we talk.
Do you trust each other?:
Yes
Have you met the parents and vice versa?:
I actually met him through my father, which is fucking weird to think about now. I've met his parents a few times.
Does he ever take you shopping and spoil you rotten?:
Not really. If he had the money I'm sure he would. I'm pretty sure he spends most of his extra cash coming down here on weekends to see me.
EVer layed in bed together in each others arms?:
Yeah
Is there an age gap between you two?:
He's four years older
Has he ever showed signs of breaking up?:
Aside from the time we did actually break up....I don't see it happening any time soon this time around.
Do you have 'a song'?:
No
Does he and your ex get along?:
Not exactly.
Do you have trouble telling him the truth sometimes?:
I have trouble talking to anyone a lot of the time, but if I'm going to say anything it would be to him.
How did you meet one another?:
He started playing guitar for my father's band, hung around our place sometimes. We didn't really know each other though until he offered me a place to stay when I couldn't go home.
Would you trust him if you left the town for a month with no contact?:
I don't think I'd be able to go a month without talking to him. Never done that before.
Hows the relationship been so far?:
Good.
Does it bother you if he doesnt say 'i love you' when he leaves?:
He always does. Wouldn't bother me unless I knew he was omitting it purposefully or something
Does he pull you aside to kiss goodbye or do it there and then?:
Depends where we are. It's usually just the two of us.
Have you ever worn his clothing?:
Yeah. I've got one of his hoodies right now.
Has he ever asked you if his outfit looks okay?:
I don't believe so.
Does he own a lot of shoes?:
No
Has he ever asked you to change your skirt to jeans if going out?:
Normative heteosexuality strikes again.
Ever been in a drunken state and said some things you wish you didnt to him:
Mm, perhaps. Not mean things, just....things I shouldn't have said when we were both with other people.
What colour eyes would your child have  ?:
I suppose that would depend on the child we adopted. Pretty sure we wouldn't be having one of our own.
Does he greet you with a hug each time you see him?:
Yeah
Are you the jealous type?:
Not really
Does he have a bit of a repuation?:
Not that I'm aware of. He did in high school, but high school does not matter.
Ever been away together?:
Yeah. Nowhere that exciting, just random places in Ontario and Montreal once.
Do you remember your first kiss with one another?:
Yeah
How was it?:
Okay. Took me a little by surprise.
Do you ever kiss him and wonder if its the last one?:
I try not to. I could drive myself crazy doing that.
Would you ever get his name tattooed on you?
No
Would he get yours?:
No
Do you love him lots like jelly tots?!?!
What the fuck are jelly tots?
Has he ever bought you a gift for no reason but his love?:
Yeah
Ever stayed up chatting til stupid oclock on the phone?:
Yeah
Do you text a lot?:
Rarely. Neither of us is that into texting, just when we're making plans or something.
Have you ever cheated on him?:
No
------------------------------- First, what's your name?
Lane
Cool - any names you prefer to be called, though?
Lane is fine.
Are you ready to get down and dirty - so to speak?
I suppose so.
- Childhood -
What date and year were you born?
July 22, 1987.
What city/country was that in?
Vancouver, BC, Canada
What is the first memory you can remember?
Nothing I really like to share.
What did you want to 'be' when you grew up?
Rockstar. Painter.
Were you a good kid? What would your parents say you were?
I was a bit of an asshole, right up until about tenth grade. My parents would vehemently agree.
What were your favourite toys to play with?
Lite Brite.
Who, or what, was your favourite cartoon character as a child?
I loved the Muppets...
What was your first day of school like?
The only thing I remember about it was a sixth grade girl accidentally hitting me in the head with a soccer ball.
How often did your family move before you turned 16 (or age are now)?
I'm not going to try to count. Lots.
Did you have a babysitter? What was their name?
No I was just left alone.
What was your favourite game to play?
*shrug* I didn't play a whole lot when I was a kid.
Did you ever have slumber parties/sleepovers? What did you do in them?
Nope
Were you ever bullied? If so, for what reason?
No, kids were afraid of me. Not sure why.
What was the name of your best friend?
Heather, before we left Vancouver.
What was your favourite subject in school?
Art
Did you ever sneak out of the house? If so, where did you go?
I didn't need to sneak.
Did you ever hang out with the wrong crowd at school/in your neighbourhood?
I guess so. I sort of...created the wrong crowd, every time we moved. I was the bad influence.
What crowd did you hang around with most, anyway?
Various misfits.
How often were you sent to the Principals/Headmasters office?
A lot.
What was it for ^?
Depends on the age really. I wasn't consciously a bad kid when I was younger, I just had a lot of pent up anger and frustration from my home life that I didn't know how to deal with. When I got older it was more things like fighting, telling off my teachers, smoking on school property, stupid shit like that.
Did you ever cheat on a test? What about a state/national exam?
On a test.
What did/do you like most about school?
Got me out of the house.
What did/do you like least about school?
I missed a lot of it, it was hard to keep up most of the time.
Who was your celebrity/TV/film idols?
Didn't really have any.
Before graduation (or now if not there yet) how many people'd you dated?
I dated three before I dropped out.
What do you remember most about your childhood?
Whisky. Rope. Whips.
Would your teachers say you were a good kid?
It was usually the "Lane is bright but refuses to apply himself" sort of thing.
Do you still wish you were a kid?
No
- Family -
Have you ever traced your ancestory? What did you find?
Kael did recently for school. We had ancestors who likely took part in the Red River Rebellion.
What nationality are you?
Metis and Irish
Did you/do you know your grandparents well? Do you get along?
Never met them
Do you like your name? If not, what would you like it to be?
I'm okay with it. At least it's different.
Do you look more like your Mum or Dad?
Dad
Do you act/have personality traits more like your Mum or Dad?
Dad
If I asked your Mum to describe you, what do you think she'd say?
I hardly remember my mother.
If I asked your Dad to describe you, what do you think he'd say?
Nothing nice.
Are you a *close* family?
My brother and I are close.
What was the biggest fight you had with your family over?
I suppose when my father found out I was gay.
How often do you see your Mum/Dad/Sister/Brother?
Both my parents are dead. I see my brother every day.
Which family member are you closest to?
Kael
Does your family have a nickname for you? What is it?
Nope
If your parents could mold you a partner, what would they be like?
Haha. Female, to start with.
Would you date this partner they made or is it way off?
I like the penis.
What TV family would you compare yours to?
They wouldn't let a family like mine on TV.
How often did you go on vacation/holiday? Where'd you go?
Never
Were your parents strict? Would you displine your kids the same way as you?
Not strict in any way that made sense. Punishment came frequently and arbitrarily though. I never want kids, and half the reason is I'm afraid to be anything like my parents.
What is your family most proud of you for?
*shrug*
How old do you want to be when you get married?
I don't want to marry.
Have kids?
I've raised one, it's enough.
What values/morals would you teach your children?
...
Do you have names picked out for your future children? What are they?
...
How many sisters do you have? Full, half or step?
None
How many brothers do you have? Full, half, step?
One, full
- Friendship -
Who is your best friend? Why are they your best friend?
Tayli, because she rocks.
Are you closer to male friends or female friends? Why?
My close friends are about equal, male and female.
Are your closest friends similar to you or the opposite?
Not opposite, but not really the same either..
How would your friends describe you when angry?
Bitchy, moody, often impenetrable.
Happy?
Eccentric
Sad?
Hopelessly fucked up.
When was the last time you fought with a friend? What was it about?
I don't remember. Most of my good friends are still reeling from Chief's death, I haven't talked to a lot of them lately.
How and/or where did you meet most of your friends?
I met Tayli, Johnny, and Chief through different jobs. Our groups just merged together somewhere down the line.
What do you class as a good friend?
Someone I wouldn't hesitate to call when I need help.
Do you think you are a good friend?
I try to be.
Are most your friends single or taken?
Right now it's about even maybe. A lot of long-term relationships have ended in the last year.
Which of your friends is most like a sister/brother to you?
Tayli
- Career -
What occupations do your parents have?
--
How about your siblings?
He works at Silvercity (movie theatre)
Do you have a job? What is it?
Not currently. I have an interview tomorrow.
Aside from that though, I'm on disability. I'm not really required to work, it's just nice to have the extra cash.
What job suits your personality the most?
Something that requires short bursts of unbridled creativity followed by long periods of unproductive depression.
Why job do you refuse to do? Why?
Waiting tables, because I would snap on the first asshole customer.
How many different jobs have you had so far?
I dunno. Lots. I can't keep them long.
What, if anything, did you study at College/Uni? What would you like to?
--
Did you do work experience at school? What did you do?
No
Do you have a gender preference with who your superiors/coworkers are?
I hate working with girls my age, if there are lots of them. I get so sick of the gossip.
Would you sleep your way to the top?
I might, if the top is worth it.
Do you still want to do what you wished you could do as a kid?
I'd like to, but I'd also like to be able to eat every day.
Would you ever work as something that puts you in danger (police, firemen)?
I don't care that much about helping the public. I don't like the public.
| | |
| Did you think that title might lead somewhere a little more meaningful? Stage one: Emotions.
How often do you take actions you regret? Fairly often. Something is usually pushing my self-destruct button.
Do you often feel guilty? Most of the time, even when I know I shouldn't.
Do you have a short temper? No
When was the last time you lashed out at someone? I don't know. Months ago.
And why was that? He's a bastard. And he started it.
Does it always seem like the entire world is out to get you? I'm paranoid, but I don't actually believe that.
Have you ever had a serious mental break down? Yeah
What led up to this? (sadness, depression, fury, confusion, etc) I'm DID. It doesn't take much.
Do you believe it is just natural for humans to feel lonely? *shrug* Never really thought about it. Lots of other people seem to be doing alright.
Do you ever feel lonely, even in the presence of those you know or love? Yeah. I'm sure everyone does at some point.
Do you believe that these are the "best years of your life"? I sure hope not.
Or do you follow the "the best is yet to come" philosophy? I don't think of things in those terms...
Does it sometimes feel like your life is being wasted or not going anywhere Yeah
Tell me about the last time you were truly, truly happy. Saturday. Josh was here, Sarah had a huge party, I saw some people I hadn't seen in more than a year. And I was drunk. That always helps.
Stage two: Relationships.
How long was your longest relationship? 13 months
How old were you when you had your first boyfriend or girlfriend? 12 with my first girlfriend, 15 with my first boyfriend
Do you (or have you ever) had feelings for the SAME sex? Yeah
Do you consider yourself gay or bisexual? How strongly do you feel about it I don't really like the idea of a fixed sexuality. Generally I'm attracted to guys, but there is a certain type of girl I could go for. I pretty much just think sexuality is another social construction we'd be better off without.
Have you ever had your heartbroken? Yeah
Did you ever honestly believe you were going to marry your highschool bf/gf Nope
Is it harder to get dumped or do the dumping? Getting dumped
Have you been able to stay good friends with any of your exes? Josh was always my best friend. Now we're sort of seeing each other again.
If so, is there any tension (sexual or not) between the two of you? There was
Does it seem like "all the good ones are taken"? Not really
Would you ever date someone that your friend liked or HAD dated? I might, if they were okay with it, and it wasn't going to be awkward.
When was the last time you were kissed? Sunday
Are you a virgin? Do you believe virginity is "sacred"? No, and I'm not religous, so no to the latter. It's not something that should be taken lightly though.
How many tmies have you been in love? Was it always real? Twice. The other times I was deluding myself.
Stage three: Friendships.
Would you say that you have a lot of friends? I have enough.
Have you ever been considered to be a "loner"? I was when I was a kid. We moved so much I didn't see the point in making friends. That changed in high school.
How often do you hang out with your friends? In big groups, once or twice a week. Certain others I see throughout the week.
Do you have a specific hang out or house that you go to? Not always
Have you ever done anything illegal to help a friend? Sure
If not, would you be willing to? What would be your limit? It's very unlikely I'm going to hurt someone else to do it.
Who is your best friend? VERY best. Choose. Josh
Have any of your friends ever stabbed you in the back? Yeah
Did you forgive them? Are you still friends? It depended on the person. Not always.
Are your friends the only people that "get you"? I don't know if most of them do, on the very personal level.
Do you think your friends know you better than your own parents? Well...yeah.
Have you ever lost a close friend because they died? Yes
Have you ever lost a friend because they gained a bf/gf and dropped you? Yeah. I hate couples like that.
Are your friends your support system? =] Sort of. Them and my brother.
Stage four: Family Life
Are both your parents alive? Neither of them are.
Were you raised by your biological parents? I wouldn't go so far as to say I was raised. But I lived with them until I was a teenager.
Has your family ever been broken? Both my parents have died. I never knew my extended family because they weren't speaking by the time I was born.
Do you think your parents respect your space? Nope
Are you close with you siblings, if you have any? Yeah
How often does your family fight or have big arguments? I almost never argue with my brother
Does your family hold very high religious beliefs? No. My dad was raised in the strict, scary section of Catholicism, so he considered himself a hardcore Atheist...but those are the sort of beliefs that are hard to get rid of. He was was still pretty Catholic. I was never anything. Religion has never been that important to me.
Are you the "black sheep" of your household? My whole family were sort of black sheep. That was a lot of the problem. But I guess within our immediate family, yeah, I was the misfit. Or at least they wanted me to be.
Have you ever in anger told your parent(s) that you hated them? I don't think so
How often are you diciplined or punished or grounded? Two or three times a day when he was drunk.
Do you feel like you are allowed to express yourself inside your own home? I do now, obviously. Now I'm mother and father...
Are your parents very controlling of the person "they want you to be"? My dad wanted me to be the fuck up so he could feel better about himself. So he pretty much encouraged me to fail so he could throw it back at me when I did.
Your family really does love each other, doesn't it? I love my brother.
Are you planning to move away when you turn 18? I was 16 when I moved out.
| | |
| I'm at Josh's right now - both Kael and I are, and have been since Friday. I've been feeling slightly better - for some reason when I'm out of the city is the only time I feel remotely human anymore - and am dreading the inevitable return home. With everything that's happened afterwards, sometimes I wonder if it was even worth it, trying to shed Andrew. On Friday, in the depths of the usual crushing blackness that leaves me flat and incomprehensible, the cops showed up. Apparently they had called a few times, but I don't answer the phone when I'm like that, can't hear the other person when I do - it's just static and screaming and voices of people that don't exist instead. So I guess someone got worried and came over. Andrew had broken his house arrest and no one could find him. I couldn't make sense of this for a long time. I remember the cop talking to me, mouth moving, no sound coming out. Shark drowning him out, making up things for him to say and puttig it into his mouth. He thought I was on drugs at first. I tried to shake Shark off to explain, couldn't really, and probably told him a bunch of nonsense instead, possibly even treated him to a one-sided argument with a voice he couldn't hear. I don't remember. When I realized what he was telling me, and he realized I wasn't stoned, just a mess in general, he offered to call Mental Health. My therapist, or someone. Obviously so he wouldn't have to deal with me. Luckily Kael came home from school in the midst of this, grasped what was going on immediately, and handled it while I sat there helplessly, mocked by Shark, wondering when it was Kael had become the caretake and I'd become useless. The cop - he has a name, I just don't remember, even though I vaguely recognized him from instances before - hung around outside in case Andrew decided to show up. Apparently it was a slow day for crime in Kingston. I gave Kael the number and he called Josh at work. A few hours later I racked up the credit card debt just a little more and we took the bus up to Ottawa, where we've been since. No call from the Kingston Police, so my guess is Andrew is still AWOL. More likely, he's at his mother's house, as she is fully convinced he can do no wrong and the world is just out to get him. I haven't done much but hang around, dragging everyone else down, all weekend. I feel like I've been in pre-episode mode for the last week: crushing depression, suicide fantasies, voices drowning the real world out, and nightmares every time I try to sleep. But it won't escalate. I haven't actually had my two days of hell yet, but I'm almost looking forward to it in the hopes it might shake this for a little while afterwards. So we haven't done much. On Friday we all got drunk (okay, I got severely wasted and was hungover well into the next evening) and spent Saturday doing basically nothing. I think Kael and Josh watched a few movies. I mostly wrapped myself around a pillow in Josh's bed and wished something would fall through the ceiling and crush me. He'd come in and lie with me for a little while sometimes, arms around me, kissing me and generally trying to raise some sort of human sentiment from me. All of this complaining aside, I do feel slightly better today. As evidenced by the fact that I think what I'm typing actually makes sense. Kael is watching TV even though there's never anything good on on weekends (still taking advantage of the fact that for once he actually has cable), Josh is still sleeping - I think I kept him up most of the night with the nightmares. | | |
| ...for self-esteem might be a little more accurate. Your last kiss, what does it remind you of?
Self-loathing. Wishing I didn't need to do that.
Who would you want to be tied to for twenty four hours?
I'd rather not be tied to anyone, thanks.
Today, would you rather go back a week or go forward a week?
I'd like to fast forward to the weekend.
Are your eyes the same color as your moms or dads?
Both
Has someone told you that they liked/loved you in the past week?
Yeah. Josh does almost every time he talks to me now. I think he thinks I'm going to off myself.
Have you ever cried during a movie?
Yeah
What's something you need to do?
Eat
To whom did you last give the finger to?
I don't know. I rarely do that.
Do you think before you speak?
Not as much as I should
Do you write in cursive or print?
Print
Could you go out in public looking like you do now?
Yeah, I've been in and out all day.
What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?
Smoked a bowl
When was the last time you wanted to punch someone in their face?
Today
Do you think anyone has feelings for you?
I don't think so.
This time last year, can you remember who you liked?
Same person I do now.
What is something that you realized today?
I don't know. Nothing really. Not much has happened today.
Two days from now this time, where will you be?
Work
Could you go a month without cursing?
Not likely. They slip out.
Are you anything like you were at this point last year?
Yes
Have you lost contact with someone you wish you didn't?
Yeah, sort of. It happens. We'd been growing apart for a long time.
Do you think you are a good person?
I think so. I hope so.
Are you a patient person?
If I have to be.
Do you think you can last in a relationship for 3 months?
Yes
When was the last time you cried?
I don't know; it's been a while.
If you're being extremely quiet what’s it mean?
Maybe nothing. I'm usually fairly quiet.
I might also be losing my mind, of course. It's a good thing that it gets hard to tell the difference when I don't talk much anyway.
Have you ever had a really big fight with a best friend?
Yeah
Think a lot before you fall asleep?
Yes, it takes me ages to fall asleep.
Have you ever given a random person your number?
Yeah
What’s going on between you and the last person you kissed?
Nothing, we hooked up once.
What’s the last thing that made you sad?
Thinking about the conversation I had with Kael last night.
Do you wear glasses?
No
Anywhere you'd rather be right now?
Ottawa.
Are you going anywhere for the next summer?
No
Waiting for someone to call?
No
Have you ever kissed anyone whose name starts with a B?
Yes
What does the 8th message in your inbox say and who from?
"Do you want to work tomorrow?" from a co-worker who wanted me to switch shifts
Does the last person you shared a bed with mean anything to you?
No
Have you ever kissed anyone whose name started with a J?
Yes
Did anyone see you kiss the last person you kissed?
I assume so. We were at the bar.
Does anyone hate you?
Probably.
Do you believe every one deserves a second chance?
Not everyone.
Have you ever seen your best friend(s) cry?
Yes
Are you wearing a ring, if so who gave it to you?
I'm wearing three. Two I bought myself, one is from Josh.
Did you sleep alone last night?
Yes. I don't suppose the cat really counts.
What were you doing at 8 this morning?
Sleeping
Do you have a box where you keep all your really important things?
No
What are you most looking forward to tomorrow?
Nothing really.
Would you rather meet the President or Paris Hilton?
President I guess. To be honest I have no real interest in meeting either.
Would you ever live with anyone on your top friends?
I don't have myspace.
Did you have a dream last night?
Yes
What pissed you off today?
Skipping CDs, my own failures as a person.
What does your number 1 call you?
--
Have you talked to a complete asshole today?
No
Do you have plans for your next birthday?
That's months away.
Who was the first person you talked to today?
Kael
Do you have any siblings?
A brother
Expecting something to change in the next month?
Probably. I'm sure I'll attach myself to someone who will foster a brief interest in me.
You're thinking about someone, aren't you?
Yeah
What does your hair look like?
Blue. Slightly fluffy. I didn't do anything to it today.
Do you wear your seatbelt in the car?
Yeah
How many letters are in your last name?
Nine
Do you think relationships are ever really worth it?
I don't know. Probably not. It doesn't seem like something I should answer right now.
Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?
No
What are you planning on doing after this?
I don't know. Read maybe. | | |
| Yes, the one person who will consistently reply to these entries, I am still alive. I'm even still able to type with one hand. I don't want to go into details because I'm still confused and a little messed up on medication - pain pills don't mesh well with my antipsychotics. Andrew broke into my apartment. We had an epic fight. My cat still won't come out from under my bed. I fractured a rib and Andrew has a concussion. Things broke (mostly the wine bottle upside his head). Neighbours called the cops. We were both about half-conscious at that point. I'm sure everyone in my building is really impressed. My rage cascaded eventually into a flashback and they had to sedate me because I was (half-consciously) flipping out. Now I am home. Well...this was yesterday. On the upside, Andrew is handcuffed to his hospital bed. Ha. Fucker. | | |
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